I am the very model of an RCMP constable

I’m thrifty, upright, honest, loyal, courteous and responstable.

I can recite, when need arises, all the Mountie manual

And say how long you’ll sleep after you’ve breathed Quixotimanophyl.

I can tell you how the Hotel California staff goes shod

And give you helpful hints on how to win at the Iditirod

When I find any pretzel vendor’s daily route no mystery

Nor Dawes’ or Dr. Prescott’s place with Paul Revere in history.

When tied up in a railway car I know what use a pin is for.

And compliment a lady using nothing more than semaphore.

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of an RCMP constable.

I know the lat- and longitude that mark the spot of Franklin Bay

And if you go to Pluto just how much a pound of nails will weigh.

I know about John Franklin’s boats the Terror and the Arabus

Though I can’t sneak up on a sergeant so he’s not aware of us.

I know a flock of Brohmas won’t abide an Andallusian pair.

And wild cucumber cream heals hands but won’t stop you from losin’ hair.

When I can use a tuning fork to measure solid bank vault walls

And I can jump unharmed after a bad guy over waterfalls.

My post-hypnotic orders make folk pleasant, calm and affable.

Though I admit when talking to a woman I’m just laughable.

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of an RCMP constable.

I know that white in your flag stands for innocence and purity

And quote back all the speeches of Geronimo with surety.

When I can throw with equal skill sun-catchers, eggs and knives and guns

And be so like a lady that I fit in with a group of nuns

When I know what the real name of Armando Languistini is. 

When I sniff doggie piddle so you’d think I was a genius.

Though in the arctic I can bring in any crafty ne’er-do-well

My skills don’t do me any good below the 60’s parallel

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of an RCMP constable.