Teej's idea was that Ray K and Fraser bicker, Ray drives the Mountie to distraction and said Mountie responds. That sounded way too much like a certain classic Star Trek episode for the bunnies to resist. Teej, if you are not a trekkie, don't fret . The Moo's bunnies have built in what they hope is sufficient explanation.




Ray liked to go to movies. He also liked to take Fraser along. Fraser had never really been one for passive entertainment, but he came along whenever Ray asked. Now, as they sat in the theatre, waiting for the feature to start, Ray started up:


"And that's another thing that's wrong with you, Fraser . . . "


Fraser, as usual, took those words as his cue to tune out. Ray, like Ray before him, seemed to take a great deal of satisfaction from listing Fraser's faults. Fraser wasn’t sure if it was some American custom to recite one's partner's shortcomings, or perhaps just an affliction common to people who went by the name of Ray. Fraser had never had an official partner on the force and Dief seldom said anything of a critical nature.


Not being sure how to react, Fraser had gotten into the habit of simply interjecting "Sorry, Ray" at what seemed like appropriate intervals. It seemed to satisfy Ray, just as it had satisfied Ray. But Fraser himself always felt that there was some sort of correct response he was supposed to give, if only he knew what it was. Something Americans do? He wished he knew.


. . . and you're just like Spock, sometimes." Ray concluded, after many minutes of lecturing.


Fraser found this intriguing enough to warrant an actual comment. "Are you saying I'm like a pediatrician, Ray?"


"No, I'm saying you're all the time trying to be logical, like a Vulcan."


Fraser considered this. "You know, Ray. I don't think it's correct to use the term 'Vulcan'. I think they prefer to called 'people from another planet'."


Ray shook his head. "Fraser, do you realize you're being politically correct about people who don't exist."


"It never hurts to be correct, Ray. In Canada we're not allowed to discriminate on the basis of race or creed or colour or religion or disability or sexual orientation or non- existence."


"You are seriously deranged, you know that?"


"Shhh. The movie is starting, Ray."




After the movie, as they left the theatre, Fraser was still thinking about Ray's comment about the Vulcan. Fraser watched little television and had never seen an episode of Star Trek though he was familiar somewhat with the basic premise and major characters just from hearing Ray and others talking. Ray was quite fond of Star Trek, although Ray had never been one for science fiction. Perhaps he should become familiar with it, for Ray's sake.


"You have a lot of video tapes of Star Trek, don't you, Ray?"


'"Sure, tons. Why?"


"Well, it just occurs to me that I've never seen an episode."


"You got to be kidding! Which one?"


"Which one what?"


"Which Star Trek haven't you seen?"


Ray meant which of original, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise, but Fraser figured Ray was just being illogical on purpose.


"Ray, if I say I've never seen any, then it can't make sense to ask which one I haven't seen. I haven't seen all of them – obviously."


"Then, buddy, you're going to haul your Canadian poss-tee-ree-or over to my place tomorrow after work, and I'm going to start your education."




"We'll start with the classics from the sixties, then work our way forward." Ray slipped a tape into the VCR and settled on his couch beside his friend, plunking a big bowl of popcorn between the two of them.  "I'm going to show you the one where Spock is hanging from the tree."


"My God, Ray! They kill off a major character?"


"No, of course not. What makes you think that?"


"You just said Spock was hanged."


"You mean hung?"


"Well, Ray, I understand it was a family show. Anyway, in the sixties they wouldn't have been allowed to discuss that on television."


"Discuss what?"


"Whether a male character was, um, hung."


"Did I ever tell you that you were seriously deranged, Fraser?"


"Often. The last time was yesterday."


"Just so it's official. You're still deranged."


"That would be understood, I think, Ray. Derangement isn't a condition that would alleviate in a single day."


"Just watch the show."


Fraser and Ray did just that. Fraser was fascinated by Spock, with whom he seemed to share many issues. He watched with special interest the scene in which Captain Kirk baited his friend with insults, as a ruse to get Spock angry. Strong emotion, it had been set up, counteracted a chemical substance that was making everyone on the planet, Spock included, euphoric. For purposes of the plot this euphoria was a bad thing and Kirk had to make everyone normal. To this end, Kirk threw taunt after taunt at Spock, culminating in "You belong in a circus, Spock, right next to the dog-faced-boy."


Fraser was further fascinated by Spock's subsequent reaction. Seemingly he could learn from this. Kirk and Spock, he knew, were fast friends. Here was a model of how American friends behave when they insult each other. The actor playing Kirk was a fellow Canadian but the whole ambience of the show suggested a mentality definitely orginating south of the border. Hmmm. Science fiction could certainly be informative. Fraser resolved that the next time Ray insulted him, he should do as Spock did to Kirk.


He didn't have to wait long. On the next commercial, Ray got up to go to the bathroom and, as he got up from the couch, said to Fraser, "And don't go putting any of that pemmican stuff in popcorn bowl, Fraser. That's really disgusting. See, that's another thing wrong with you." Then Ray headed off to the bathroom.


Right. That was Fraser's cue. He did need the right prop, though. He looked around Ray's living-room for something appropriate for the purpose. Nothing seemed right. He went into Ray's kitchen. Yes, perfect. Fraser picked  up one of Ray's simple wooden kitchen chairs and carried it into the living-room, all the better to set up the scene.


Ray came back from the bathroom and resettled himself on the couch. Just before he pressed the resume button on the VCR control, he noticed one of his kitchen chairs in the living-room and for no apparent reason.  Either it had walked in by itself, or . . .


"Fraser, are you moving my furniture around now?"


"Only the one chair, Ray."


"If I asked why, would the answer confuse me totally?"


"No, not at all Ray. The answer is about to become very clear."


With that comment, Fraser got up off the couch and then hauled Ray to his feet along with him. He grabbed Ray by the shoulders and sent him flying across the living-room. Ray landed against the wall with a thud and collapsed to the floor.


"Fraser! What the hell!" Ray got to his feet and just stood staring at his friend.


Fraser, grinning broadly in his enjoyment, came over to where Ray was standing and delivered a good punch. Ray first went spinning and then sank back to the ground . Ray massaged his own face and jaw, gaping at Fraser in disbelief.


"You're out of your freaking mind! What's wrong with you?"


Fraser was now ready for the piece-de-resistance. He went to the other side of the living-room where the kitchen chair was, picked it up, and advanced slowly on Ray, holding the chair high above his head – his intentions quite obvious.


"Back off, man, or I'll shoot." Ray's threat was empty and they both knew it. He never kept his gun loaded at home.


"I'm just being Spock, Ray. You were right. This is a marvellous education."


Ray caught on. "Oh I get it. Now, Fraser, just because Spock beaned Kirk with some papier maché transporter equipment, doesn't mean you have to bash me with my own furniture. Maybe they never taught you that in the Northwest Areas, but TV and real life are two different things. So put down the chair, ok? Nice and slow. Put down the chair for Ray, there's a good Mountie."


This wasn't in the script, but, whatever. Disappointed, Fraser lowered the chair to the ground. Ray sighed with relief. "See, Fraser, that's another thing that's wrong with you. You see something on TV and you want to copy it, just like a little kid. You got to . . . "


Fraser looked at Ray, at the chair, figured he could afford to buy Ray a new chair afterwards, so what the heck.




Back to Birthday Menu