Our little Satal has many names:
her RL name whatever that may be
Satal de Rihannsu, her full Vulcan name
just plain Satal for everyday use
satal-ee-shore used by the moo
"K" also used by the moo.
Whatever may be her many names, she wanted DS as Muppets for her birthday.
We are in an old-fashioned vaudeville theatre with plush seats, a proscenium arch, velvet curtains, all that hokey stuff.
The band starts up a bouncy tune and a line of Muppets all dance out from stage right. They sing:
It's time to raise the curtain
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.
The orchestra goes:
Boom, boom, boom, boom
Another line of Muppets dance out from stage left.
It's time to put on make-up
It's time to dress up right.
It's time to get things started on the Muppet Show tonight.
Out from stage right comes Kermount the Frog, (wearing nothing at all but his fringe around the collar, snicker) and he sings:
To introduce our guest star – that's what I'm here to do.
So it really makes me happy to introduce to you . . .
From stage left come a figure something like the shape of a snowman except it is clearly a female shape. She is totally transparent and a red heart is clearly visible in her body. She stands beside Kermount.
Our guest star tonight is The Ice Queen!
He waves his arms in the air and shouts "yay". The Ice Queen smiles, curtsies and exits stage left.
All the Muppets on stage now sing
And now let's get things started
On the Muppet Show tonight.
Backstage, Kermount is busy working on something on a clipboard. He is interrupted by Miss Frannie, a plump, pink, plush, pig. She is usually dressed in lots of jewels, elegant satin gloves and a frilly dress. But today she has on a bonnet and old-fashioned long dress, looking like a sweet, innocent maiden from long ago.
Kermount groans. "Yes, Frannie."
"Aren't you getting ready for our little lovee songee?"
Kermount clears his throat. "Actually, Frannie, I was planning to explain that to you. I, um, you see I . . . "
"Explain to me what, Frog-of-my-heart?"
"Well you see the Ice Queen wants to do the Indian Love Call number, and I sort of, um, well it's in her contract, so I couldn’t . . . "
Miss Frannie's voice drops an octave and becomes gravelly. "The Ice Queen is singing the love song with you, not moi?"
"It's out of my control, Frannie. I'm really sorry."
"You're doing MY love song with the Ice Queen?" Miss Frannie moves a lot closer to Kermount. Her voice has dropped another octave again and the gravel turns to boulders.
Kermount fingers his collar-fringe nervously. "It's not my fault, Frannie. Of course I'd rather do the song with you."
She appears mollified, but Kermount's not sure this is over yet. However, she has stopped threatening him directly so he sighs with relief and goes back to his clipboard. Miss Frannie looks at it.
"What are you writing, Mountee?"
"Oh, I'm getting ready for my solo number. I was going to sing my song from Sesame Street 'It's Not Easy Being Green'. But then I thought, since I'll be wearing a Mountie costume right before, I'd keep the Mountie theme and write a new version."
Miss Frannie tries to get close enough to see what he has written but he backs away. "Now, no peeking, Frannie. It's supposed to be a surprise."
He's expecting an argument but she just smiles and says, "Of course, Mountee" and goes away.
At that moment, Ray, a dark-haired Italian stage-hand calls, "Time for the interview scene, Mister Kermount!"
Kermount hands his clipboard and pen to Ray, dashes out onto the stage and talks to the audience.
And now this the part of the show where the guest star and I just talk and get to know each other.Tonight our guest star is the lovely and talented Ice Queen.
The Ice Queen comes out on stage and crosses to stand beside Kermount.
Kermount: It's good to have you on the show, Miss Ice Queen.
Ice Queen: Thank you, Kermount, it's good to be here.
Kermount: We've all been admiring just how wonderfully you can move all around being made entirely of diamond, I mean.
Ice Queen: Diamond, good heavens, no!
Kermount: Quartz, then?
Ice Queen: I'm not made of stone, Kermount. I'm made of ice.
Kermount: I imagine that must be difficult. But I guess you’re up to the challenge.
Ice Queen: I do have to be careful in hot weather. Other than that I'm not much different than other people. What makes you think we’re so different?
Kermount: Oh, nothing nothing. I bet you graduated at the top of your class, and so did I. And I know you have a heart. I can see it right there. I suspect if beats the same as mine.
Ice Queen: We'll find out when we do our duet together. "Indian Love Call" is one of the sweetest love songs ever, isn't it? And I'm looking forward to seeing you in red serge.
Kermount: (gulps and fingers his fringe again) Well, our time is up. Thank you kindly Miss Ice Queen.
They both leave the stage.
Kermount introduces each act and also co-ordinates everything from backstage.
The comedy team of Huey, Dewey and Louis the Duck Boys begin their act but they are heckled off the stage as usual by two oldsters in the audience, Bob and Buck.
Then comes the card-trick act of The Amazing Scarfa, a lady magician who is very long and very flat.
Jerome the Fire Eater sets Kermount's back on fire as part of his act. Kermount runs screaming offstage and slips in a puddle of water. He goes flying and lands on the floor. His back is extinquished, at any rate. A stage hand comes running to help him up.
"Who are you?" Kermount asks him.
"I'm Ray the stage-hand," says the stage-hand, a blond boy with a Polish accent.
"Ray is Italian and he's black-haired."
"People change, Mister Kermount. Are you okay, sir?"
"I'm fine, how did this water get here?"
"I don't know sir. I'll clean it up right away." He mops up the water and leaves.
Then Miss Frannie comes in, still wearing the 'maiden' outfit.
"Frannie, I told you before, the Ice Queen is doing the love duet, not you."
"Well, actually, Mountee," Miss Frannie says just a little too demeurely. "There may be just a little teensy weensy problem with that."
At that moment a red-haired boy rushes up and said, with a Scottish accent, "Mister Kermount, the Ice Queen is gone. We can't find her anywhere."
"Did you try her dressing room?"
"Oh course, it was the first place we looked. Then we tried a spa, and a train, and a concert, and a museum."
"Go, keep looking! Go!" This version of Ray goes.
"Oh oh. Frannie, what have you done?"
"Moi? Nothing, Mountee. I just went to help the Ice Queen with her hair."
"And I used the hair dryer to fix her up a little."
"You used a hair dryer on the Ice Queen?!?!??! That puddle of water must have been her! Ray! Ray!"
A stage hand comes. He's completely bald and says "Yes, Mister Kermount" with a Brooklyn accent."
The boy looks embarrassed.
"OK, OK, that's not important right now. What is important is: where's all that water you wiped up before? Maybe we can freeze it back into the Ice Queen."
"I poured it down the drain, Mister Kermount."
Kermount moans with dismay. "Why me? Alright Frannie, we have no choice. You'll have to do the "Indian Love Call" number after all."
"Whatever ever you say, Frog-of-mine."
"You'd better get into your costume, Mister Kermount, the last act is almost finished" says Ray who had, while Kermount and Miss Frannie were looking in another direction, metamorphosed into a boy with mouse-brown hair and a French Canadian accent.
Kermount is too distressed to even notice. He dashes off to his dressing room to change. Moments later he emerges dressed as a constable in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police: red serge, camel Stetson, brown boots, the whole bit. Miss Frannie regards him critically. "I saw the movie of Rose Marie, Mountee. Nelson Eddy was a sergeant, not a constable."
"I know, Frannie. But somehow I just got this urge to be a constable. I really can't explain it."
Out he goes in front of the audience.
Kermount: And now, from the operetta by Rudolf Frimmel, “Rose Marie”, Miss Frannie and I will perform 'Indian Love Call'.
The orchestra starts up an enchanting, love tune. Kermount puts his flippers to his mouth and assumes a pose of calling out across the stage.
Kermount: When I’m calling you – oo – oo – oo-. Oo –oo –oo.
Miss Frannie sashays out on the stage and takes a matching pose, facing him.
Frannie: I will answer too –oo – oo – oo. Oo – oo – oo.
She then rushes close to him, the two put their arms around each other lovingly and turn to face the audience, cheek to cheek.
Together in unison: That means I offer my love to you . . .
At this point Kermount breaks off into counterpoint, a little lower.
Together in harmony: : . . . to be my own.
If you refuse me, what would I do
But be waiting all alone?
Now they they break apart. Kermount goes down on one knee and dramatically clutches his breast with one flipper and holds out the other flipper towards Miss Frannie.
Kermount: But then if you hear my love call ringing clear,
Miss Piggy comes around in front of him, tossing her skirt, takes his flipper and settles onto his knee. The frog’s leg is quite skinny. It collapses, dumping Miss Frannie onto the floor. Kermount smites his forehead, help her up and they both stand.
Miss Frannie (speaking softly so only Kermount can hear): Frog’s legs. I should have known. Wimp.
Kermount: (also softly) That’s the leg that got stabbed once and shot twice, Frannie.
Miss Frannie: (softly) Oh, all right. (then continues the song) And I hear your answering echo so dear.
The two hold both hands to each other now, take them dramatically and pose.
Together in unison: Then I will know . . .
Miss Frannie (again softly) Get ready for the high note, Mountee-dear.
Kermount (softly but distressed) Me? The high note? I don’t do the high note! You do the high note.
Miss Frannie: (softly but very tersely) I can’t hit the high note.
Kermount: (softly) But I can’t . . .
Miss Frannie: (very threatening now) You’ll hit that high note now, Froggie, or you’ll be hitting nothing but high notes for the rest of your days. Understood?
Kermount: (gulps, fingers collar, rubs where an eyebrow would be if he had eyebrows) Understood.
Together in harmony: . . . our love
(Kermount goes up on the note and Miss Frannie goes down. They hold the note a very long time and then collapse for lack of air)
. . . will come true.
In unison: You’ll belong to . . .
In harmony (Kermount sings high but not quite so high): . . . me. I’ll belong to you.
A final pose. A staged kiss. Kermount hands Miss Frannie forward for a curtsey on her own and leads the applause as she leaves the stage, blowing kisses as she goes.
Then, the lights on the stage go much lower and a single follow-spot lights up a circle on the floor. A stage-hand, with long purple hair comes out and hands Kermount a high barstool. Kermount looks at him, thinks for an instant than shakes his head and gives up. Still in his Mountie outfit, Kermount settles onto the stool and sings his solo number.
It's not that easy wearing red,
Having to spend each day the colour of a stop-sign,
When I think it might be nicer to wear brown
Or even blue, with an ear-flapped fur hat.
It's not that easy wearing red.
You never get to look like ordinary folk,
And people want to take your picture
Or just stare at you as you stand there,
Or when you walk by.
But red is the colour of love
And red can be warm and friendly-like
And people can see you when they want you
And find you when they need help
And they respect you, too.
When red is what you have to wear
It can make you wonder why.
But, why wonder, why wonder?
I wear red; that'll do fine.
It suits me.
And it's the colour I'm proud to wear.
Kermount stands, takes a modest little bow and says “Thank you kindly, and good night, everybody.”