Youíve heard of Bridget Jonesís Diary? A Dueser who prefers to remain un-named asked The Moo to tell a story from the point of view of a minor character. For some reason it has prompted The Moo to moo-ve into territory sheís never been in before. Well, here goes.=====================================================
Tuesday, January 13
Fraser came into the office
today, wanting something in the evidence logs for a case. I knew before that he
was with the RCMP but at the
You have to feel sorry for men. Well I do, anyway. Imagine your own body giving you away so blatantly Ė just because you may like what you see. A case in point is that detective that came along with Fraser today. If I hadnít made out the bulge of his gun under his shirt in a shoulder holster, Iíd have thought for sure he carries his weapon in his pants. That old Mae West line Ė I love it. The blond man was happy to see Fraser, undoubtedly. I wonder if Fraserís is aware of it.
Monday, January 19
Speaking of male people, but in this case nice ones (yes, Jocelyn, remind yourself there ARE men that are actually human) was it ever comical, the look on Fraserís face when I told him that the Mongolian throat-singers can produce two tones simultaneously. Such a woe-begone expression he had. You could see right away that Fraser felt inadequate for not being able to do it. I assured him that was no fault of his own. The Inuit only do single tone throat singing so of course he wouldnít have had the opportunity to learn polyphonics yet.† Dear Fraser. Typically male he needed his ego soothed.
I have to be a little envious of Fraser, though. Imagine living in a place where there is ANY throat-singing to hear live and in person. I wonder if Iíll ever visit the far north some day?
I have to admit I, too, find the idea of over-toning intriguing. We asked Paul if he knew how and he said heíd teach us next week.
Shame about the competition, though. Maybe we can do it next month. I donít think the Paul will mind re-scheduling. Fraser and I are the major participants anyway, so I donít think heíll want to alienate the two of us by refusing to accommodate us. On the other hand maybe Fraser will prefer to spend the time on the new over-tone technique. Iím not sure I wouldnít prefer that myself, now that I think about it.
Fraserís got a phone now that heís living in his office. Sometimes I feel like Iím living in my office too, with so much overtime Iím doing these days. It would certainly save on rent.
Fraserís a good friend even if he is gender-challenged. Sometimes I wish he were a woman. Oh well.†
Tuesday, January 20
Iíll be going out with Carla again Friday night. More for physical release than anything else. Sheís so stimulating in bed that I often forget how dreary she is out of bed.
Must remember to stop off at Herbís Herbs to see if that bark tea came in. I promised Fraser Iíd make him some. I hope he doesnít think Iím making advances. Usually you can tell if a man is gay but Fraser is very staid . . . Sometimes I wonder if he has ANY sex at all.
Sunday, January 25
I think Iím going to break it off with Carla. The sex is good but she has all the intellect of a flea. She wanted to see me last night again but I told her I was going to be busy.
Now hereís something cute: Fraser the Mountie came to my rescue. He called yesterday morning to ask if he could come over that night. So that meant I was telling Carla the truth and wasnít lying when I said I was going to be busy. A fortunate happenstance.†
This also makes it clear to me that, gay or straight, Fraser is not dating much if heís inviting himself over on a Saturday night. I was half expecting he had come over to express a romantic interest in ME. Well, itís happened before.
Fortunately that wasnít the case. Heís just lonely, I believe. I didnít know what heíd like to snack on so I obtained an assortment of different comestibles to go with the tea. He ignored the cake and cookies and ate the salty things.† So now I know if he comes over again what to get. I think he will come over again. He appears to have enjoyed himself.
Friday, January 30
Saturday, January 31
competition isnít going to happen after all. Fraser has become obsessed with multi-pitched
harmonics to the exclusion of any other kind of throat-singing. Last week Paul
told him that the people of Tuva in
No, thatís unfair. Fraser in not typical.
He came over again tonight. At first he pretended it was to practice but he really just wants a friend to talk to. †That blond man I saw with him the other week, it seems heís his partner. Iím not sure how this partner business works since theyíre both from different police forces. Some inter-governmental arrangement perhaps. †
Sunday, February 1
I finally told Fraser I was a lesbian when he was over last night. To say someoneís relief was palpable could be an unforgivably trite way of putting it. But it is the truth. He physically shuddered all over, all at once. You know how people will do a funny kind of ďtakeĒ in a movie, just sort of jerk their body all at once? I swear thatís what he looked like.
Besides the tea and salty snacks, I also got him some Romanian cheese-pies. He liked those. Iíll have to remember to ask Mr. Oprisan at the bakery to make more.
Fraser was able to relax and really confide after he realized I wasnít interested in him as a lover. You know, I never really thought about things from the point of view of a stunningly good-looking straight male. He knows what itís like to be treated like a sex object and he resents it. This may go to show you canít judge a whole gender by a few bad apples. Or maybe heís just the exception that proves the rule.
Anyway, he told me the story of a woman who hurt him very badly. Most elegantly named ďVictoriaĒ. He claims he is over her now but he still carries her picture in his wallet. Of course he offered to show me and of course I had to look. I certainly wouldnít go out with her! Emaciated, her hair all stringy and frizzled.† Fraser could do better, if it is really women that interest him.
Hereís a funny thought that just came to me right now. Suppose Fraserís partnerís erection was for ME that day. I donít think so, but itís not impossible. A foolish thought, Jocelyn. Iím not all that attractive and you know how men are. Whatís that bit from Romeo and Juliet about how men love with their eyes?
This is making me think back to being forced to study Romeo and Juliet in grade nine. I had a crush on Rosaline, gorgeous with black hair . . . and I actually felt ashamed. I was very confused when I was young.
Thursday, February 12
In throat-singing class tonight Paul told us about some Sardinian shepherds that have been doing polyphonic singing for more than a thousand years. He didnít have a recording though. Benton and I were disappointed. I wonder if I can find a recording on the net?
Paul also brought in a book ďThe SŠmi People of ScandinaviaĒ. These people do throat songs called ďyoicksĒ. Isnít that whimsical? Yikes, they do yoicks. †
Monday, February 16
Do you notice Iím calling him ďBentonĒ now? Weíre on first name basis after last night.
Funny how some men cry, as
though they donít really know the technique of it. They cry in these great
gulps, almost like coughing sometimes.
It seems he found out his
partner, the blond man, is bi. Iím not sure why thatís such a shock to Fraser in
this day and age. If theyíre together so much, youíd think heíd notice. The
partner, his nameís ďRayĒ, was married and still has feelings for his ex-wife.
So many people seem to be confused about the direction of their sexuality these days. Well, I shouldnít be so smug. I suffered enough before realizing the truth about myself.
†Ray finally came out and told him how he (Ray)
I tried as best I could to
make him feel better. You donít want to push somebody when theyíre upset like
that. Seems if
Yes, if Iím honest with myself, I DO know what THAT feels like. Praise God that part of my life is over but I can remember the anguish of not being sure.
Friday, March 5
Phyllis wants all the over-time
this week and thatís fine with me. Iíll be able to work on my lecture on ďGeopolitics
in the Post Colonial Burmese Puppet TheatreĒ. I was hoping
I hope he hasnít gone and done something desperate. I keep thinking about Ronald. There are other men Iíve heard of but didnít know personally, who actually killed themselves rather than face being gay.† Imagine turning down love when you can have it.
I hope this Ray really loves
Iím going to call
As for my own romantic life, Carla has stopped calling. Thereís no one new on the horizon.
Sunday, March 7
I didnít have to wait for
Monday to find out how
Hm. When I first told Mom I was a lesbian she said sheíd
rather be die than hear that news. Well, I wonít think
about that now. I was talking about
Even for a male, heís
confused. There are two women he thinks he likes Ė one wants to settle down and
have lots of babies with him and the other Ė his superior officer of all things
Ė wants them to just go on working together but be lovers secretly on the side.
What a dilemma.
I was trying to prompt him. You know, active listening to get him going, so I asked him what he thought he might do next. You know what he said? That he would go ice-fishing.
At least he was coherent this time. Not all broken up and crying. I guess denial has its uses.
Thursday, March 11
Tuesday, March 23
I finally got an email from
Iím putting his whole email into this clip:
(Jocelyn. I apologize for not being in touch with you sooner. A lot has been happening since we talked last. The details of where I have been and what I have been doing are mostly classified but I can certainly share with you the personal matters.
The first things that happened were that I realized that as much as I care for my partnerís sister, I donít love her enough to commit to her for the rest of my life. And, as for the Inspector, (why should I hide the details from you, my dear confidante) we made love at last and after that we made peace with the fact that we could neither be happy in the otherís world.
It was only after I had settled my situation with these women that I felt ready to cope with Ray and my feelings for him.
In literature characters often find a threat to their lives clarify things for them instantly. Real life is somewhat different. On March 11 I found myself taking part in an actual battle and yet I still did not truly understand my own mind.
After the battle, I saw my mother. Yes, I told you she was dead. But I truly saw her, and I saw her and my father (also dead Ė Iíll tell you about that some other time) go off together hand in hand into some part of the afterworld. I could see that they had a love that transcended even death itself. I know that sounds very much like a clichť, but clichťs have their basis in truth or they wouldnít have become clichťs in the first place, donít you think?
the days that followed things began to fall into place for me. I communicated
with my partnerís sister that we would not have a life together. It pained me
to do that but it would have been even worse pain to begin a marriage that
would not have been happy. As for the Inspector, ever proud she took off on her
own. I canít reveal where but I hope she will find it fulfilling. And I found
myself, in the security of familiar surroundings, confident enough to take a
hard and honest look at my feelings about women in general and
How obvious the truth is when we finally see it and how foolish we feel to have denied it! At least thatís how it was for me. What worse woman could I have tried to fall for than a criminal, a liar, a thief and murderess? And, on a more mundane note, sheís far too skinny to survive in the wilderness. The ability to retain body fat is a trait we prize in the north almost as much as sharp teeth. In my denial I chose to pour my affections on the ugliest woman, physically and spiritually, I could find.
Mind you, she had a beautiful voice. Not as lovely as yours though, and I certainly couldnít imagine her being able to handle the demands of over-tone throat singing.
I digress. I guess I can reveal to you what you have already guessed, that I have been in the far north. My brain cleared in the familiar cold atmosphere and I looked, in the clean light we have up here, at my Ray. Iím not certain that I can love him as he wants me to but at least now I am free to explore that possibility. So, he and I are going off alone for some time Ė Iím not sure for how long.
To quote ďRomeo and JulietĒ (yes, dear friend, I know it is not one of your favourites but the quote is apt) ďIíll look to like, if looking liking move.Ē Ray deserves no less.
I think I will find that I love him as much as he loves me. But I have lived so long under different assumptions that I know Iíll need time to come to terms with it.
Please give my regards to Paul and the rest of class, and Mr. Oprisan at the bakery. Iíll miss his cheese pies.
Take care of yourself, my dear friend. Strive ever for all six notes at once. I hope when we see each other weíll both have found the love we crave.