Prize Fight

DSMarian said: How about something along the lines of a catfight over the male hotties on Due South. One, two or many characters in the melee.

The fight arena was full to bursting. Women not only filled every available seat, but stood about in the aisles and sat on the staircases, not caring at all about the fire hazard or maximum seating capacity. This was going to be the greatest event of the year! Three matches and for each the prize was a police officer.

There was also a small group, maybe a couple of dozen or so, people who had a y-chromosome and had some interest in the proceedings as well. They sat off to one corner, all together and feeling very vulnerable.

A disembodied voice made the opening announcement. "And now, the mistress of ceremonies for this evening, the one and only Dee Ess Marian!!!!" Dee Ess bounded onto the stage to wild applause. She was the most famous fight announcer in the world, bar none.

Dee Ess pulled down the hanging mike (for which, by the way, Mike was very grateful) and started the show.

"Ladieeeeeees and..." she was about to say 'gentlemen', meaning the group cowering in the corner, but thought better of it, " ladies. Welcome to this year's Cop Prize Fights and what a line-up of cops we have as prizes tonight! Two detectives from Chicago, and as a special treat, an imported delight - a Mountie. Actually, ladies, the winner of tonight's fight will be able to have him in either that position or another, but let's not go there - this is a family show."

The crowd was loving this. Everything Dee Ess said was of course amazingly witty and interesting. Wonder who scripted her stuff? Anyway...

"For our first fight - the prize will be this beautiful blond detective. Look how slim he is girls, not an ounce of fat on him, strange of hair, lanky of frame, here he is, let's have a huge round of applause for Stanley Raymond Vecchio Kowalski."

Whereupon this worthy came up into the ring and let himself be seen.

"And now, the contestants. Dee Ess consulted her script. "Oh dear. It seems we have only one contestant - a housekeeper for an old Italian couple. Well, come on out. Hmmm. We can't have a fight with only one contestant. I guess we'll have to call this one off."

Boos and catcalls came from the audience. "Let me fight for him!" the women from the audience began to shout. "No, me, I want him." The next thing Dee Ess knew a crowd was climbing into the ring by way of the official openings, or over the ropes, or just throwing themselves into the air from their seats and landing in the middle of the ring.

The official contestant dropped to her knees and crawled to safety. The prize crawled after her, realizing it was a good idea to get clear while the getting was good. The audience members, now the unofficial contestants, started taking blows at one another. Left to chin, right to 'bra-area', upper cut, hair-pulling, scratching, eye-gouging. When the prize was the blond detective they lost their minds completely.

It went on for ten minutes and when it was over not a single combattant was left standing. All were lying in a heap in the ring, panting and groaning, but fortunately no one was hurt. Dee Ess came out and surveyed the sad sight.

"Well, Ladies and Not-Ladies, we certainly have a sad sight here. Not a single contestant left on her feet to claim the prize. So come on out here Stanley et cetera and tell us what you have to say about this." Stanley did not appear. Dee Ess sent out security guards while vendors sold beer and hot dogs and peanuts and Dee Ess herself had to improvise some patter to fill up time. What she said is not important. What is important is that finally Stanley Ray et cetera was found in a seat up in the audience together with the original contestant and they were in quite a compromising position.

Dee Ess decided to go on to the next fight. "Next prize is another detective. This one is a real ethnic hottie, Raymundo! No wait," she consulted her script, "That's Raimundo. No wait, that's Raimondo, no wait that's Raymondo. Damn! Why can't these fic writers get together on one spelling of this sucker's name. We need a ruling here! Judge, how do you spell the REAL Ray's REAL name?"

The judge turned out to be an old Italian lady, none other than Ma Vecchio herself. "Doesn't matter how you spell it, you're all wrong. I call him 'Caro'. I call his friend 'Caro'. I call his evil twin 'Caro' and his abusive older brother 'Caro'. I call the other detective and the Mountie 'Caro'. Anybody male I call 'Caro'. It makes life easier." She sat down.

"We have two contestants for this fight: a divorced housewife and a federal agent. Ladies please come out." Out they came and stood facing each other. "This is a verbal battle. Each of you had Caro for one episode. Prove to the audience who deserves him more. You have five minutes and then the audience will vote."

The women stood toe to toe and started accusing each other:
You divorced him!
You beaned him!
You thought he faked evidence!
You hit him with your car!
You argued with him when he came home for lunch!
You shot at him!
You didn't like his car!
Yes I did, but he wouldn't let me drive it!"

After five minutes Dee Ess interrupted them. "Now, its time for our audience to vote!"

"Forget it," said Angie. "He's not worth the trouble. Slash can be females too, you know. We'll take each other." Arm in arm the contestants went out of the ring to commit who knows what non-canonical acts. The audience didn't like this at all.

Dee Ess again had a problem on her hands. This evening just wasn't going well. No matter. The last prize was so great, nothing could possibly go wrong. She introduced the Mountie, who came sheepishly into the ring to be displayed.

A hush fell over the crowd. "Hush" they all said to one other, as it fell. The Mountie stood in the middle of the ring looking very handsome in his red serge. Then, oh my God, spontaneous combustion! The Mountie was so hot that his tunic caught fire! And then a fireman rushed in (from the pouring rain, very strange). He grabbed the Mountie and rolled him on the floor to put out the fire, bowed to the audience and ran off.

"Friends, that was a close call, wasn't it" Dee Ess announced. "Let's have a big round of applause for that brave serge protector!"

Groans rather than applause ensued.

"And now, seeing as how our prize is in no shape to do any duty tonight, we'd better just say good night. Good night, everyone." Disappointed, the audience slowly dispersed.

Meanwhile Dee Ess then helped the poor, singed, Canadian to his feet. He was in a sorry state. "Sorry" Dee Ess stated. "You'd better just come home with me and I'll take care of you."

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