Benton
still didn't answer her, but took her arm into his and continued walking, for
all the world as though they had not just finished a most crucial conversation.
She tried to stay calm and wait for him to speak again. Damn, he was so
annoying sometimes. After all his pleading and insisting on getting married, he
was suddenly so blasé. No, not
suddenly. She had to be fair. It was only since he had made his announcement
that SHE had to be the one to propose to HIM before he would agree to get married. And now she had finally come around to his
way of thinking - really did want to get married - he was giving her a hard
time about it.
They
reached a certain street corner which was, they knew from experience, the limit
of distance they could walk and be able to turn around and get back to the
consulate before exactly an hour was up. Like a soldier on parade, Benton came
to an abrupt stop, spun on his heel and swivelled his body back in the
direction from which they had come. Margaret trotted around him as he turned.
They headed back.
He
was so maddeningly calm. She wasn't used to it, she now realized. She was more
accustomed to his pleading, cajoling, insisting, imploring. Yes, something had
changed on that crazy night. It was as though he had snapped and in an instant
suddenly changed his whole attitude. She considered as she walked: it was
understandable. He'd been so excited about having a baby with her. The
miscarriage must have caused something to come unglued in his brain.
Then,
still walking with her on his arm, without even turning towards her he said,
calmly, "Propose to me."
"I
thought I did that just now," she pointed out.
"Not
officially. You didn't say the actual words."
She
harrumphed in annoyance, and then immediately regretted the involuntary
response because he seemed to stiffen up even as they were walking, although he
continued to hold her arm in his.
"Does
it mean that much to you?" she ventured.
"Yes.
Margaret, I know it is hard for you to show your feelings, but can't you, for
the sake of our future together, indulge me just once?"
She
stopped and he stopped with her. "Look at me," she said.
He
did look. She could not read his expression. It was as blank as the expression
wore when on guard duty.
Very
slowly and distinctly she pronounced, "I propose to you that we get
married."
His
reaction did not please her.
"Why?"
he said, still blankly.
"I
don't understand the question."
"Why
do you want to marry me?" Benton insisted.
Margaret
fought her annoyance. What did he want now?
"This
wasn't part of the deal, Benton. Why are you torturing me?"
"I'm
trying to get you to say you love me. That you should find this to be torture
is interesting."
She
bit her lip and turned away. Benton took hold of her chin and turned her head
around to face him again. Finally, he smiled at her and she relaxed a little.
"Okay,
the torture is over. Yes, I'll marry you. I've always wanted to, even before
the baby. Just be warned, I'm not going to let you back out." With this,
he took her in his arms and kissed her � just hard and long enough to make it
clear that he meant what he said. Then he continued walking and she trotted
along beside.
"You
had me worried there for a minute," she admitted.
They
returned to the Consulate without any further talk of consequence. All through
the afternoon, Margaret mused. Now that the big decision had finally been made,
now that she was committed to marriage, it was as though her mind had cleared
and left her free to consider other matters. She would pick up a file folder,
peruse its contents and toss it back on her desk, unable to concentrate.
Thoughts about Benton's recent behaviour tossed and jumped around in her mind.
Then
one thought leaped up over the heads of the others and called attention to
itself. She hadn't told Ben, during the walk at lunchtime, that she loved him.
It was so obvious that this was what
she was supposed to have said, but she hadn't spoken the words. And he had let
the matter drop without insisting. It was very puzzling.
Could
it be that his love for her was of so accepting a nature that he was able to
tolerate even this and still want to make a life with her? In his place, she
thought, she wouldn't be so accepting. She'd insist on hearing the words. The
events of the last several weeks played through her mind, and she paused and
played back key scenes that had just flown past unnoticed at the time.
Just
at five, while Benton was clearing his desk for the evening, she stuck her head
into his tiny office.
"Come
home with me tonight. We can celebrate our engagement," she said.
"You
know I have to walk Diefenbaker and feed him first," he pointed out.
"I'll
drive you. We'll walk and feed him together, then take him back to my
place," she paused, and then ducked her head a little before saying,
"the whole family should be together on such an important night, don't you
think?"
Benton
grinned hugely. As she had hoped he would, he had understood what she meant.
She couldn't bring herself to say "I love you" out loud yet, but this
was as close as she could come. And, Benton, oh wonderful Benton, had the
intelligence to see she was making her best effort and the confidence to wait
while she built up her own confidence - bit by bit - to let him know how she
truly felt.
End