The incredible beauty of it
all. Terraces of
green cascading down to the indigo of the
I had always thought that there could be
nothing more beautiful, nothing that would allow me to feel closer to my God
than to look out into the Sound on a cold winter's day and watch eagles soar
over blue white glaciers. Mountains of rock and lichen with
streams dancing down granite walls. The subtle grumbling and heaving as
rivers of ice shift imperceptibly under their own weight.
Even seeing pictures of this has not
prepared me for the vista now opening before me. From far below I hear a child
call; what I can't imagine, for my Italian is poor at best and he is a long way
off. In a bobbing boat at least a quarter mile from shore, I see a man stand
and shout something back.
"What are they saying?"
She turns to me with a slight smile. "It
doesn't matter, caro. Tell me what you see... What
your heart feels."
I am silent for the longest time. I continue
to stare at this indescribable scene of loveliness and a tremendous wave of...
of... of what, I can't begin to fathom. I dare say this is one of the few times
in my life that I truly am at a loss for words. My soul drinks in the beauty
and I can't help myself. Tears seep from my eyes. They silently course down my
face and I don't care. I stand and stare and feel the sun upon my back, almost
lulling me, beckoning me closer, luring me to be enveloped by it.
I feel her hand upon mine. A soft but
well-used hand that is unafraid of hard work begins to exert the slightest
pressure on me. I am so thankful she has brought me here. How did she know I
would be mesmerized by it? In order to drink it all in, I lean closer to the
edge as its beauty calls me.
She grabs my arm firmly to pull me back. "Benito! Be careful!"
I shake my head to clear it. "I... I
wasn't even here. I was just... being part of it all." I feel my typical
blush spread across my face for no apparent reason. I really didn't mean to
scare her. "Sorry, Ma. It's just so lovely."
She looks at me askance and we end up having
an odd conversation with her stating the obvious: I am not her son and she is
not my mother. Indeed, originally I had some difficulty calling her
"Ma", but Ray had insisted. I would have preferred not to, if for no
other reason that I did have a mother, although she has been dead for
more than twenty-five years. No one can take her place.
She stands beside me now in what must be one
of the most beautiful places on earth and tells me I must address her by her
given name: Guenevere, that she allows me to shorten to Gwen. The beauty of her
name matches the blue of the sea and I recognize her to be a very vibrant, alive
woman. Her dark eyes seem to dance in rhythm with the waves far below.
"What?" she softly asks.
It seems that I remain tongue-tied, but for
different reasons now. And then I understand: Oh my god, she's interested in me
as a man! And I don't mind because it's not about my looks, as it is with
Francesca. Gwen is not her daughter. God! I get so weary of being chased all
over
"Why did you bring me here?"
She gives a low chuckle and asks, "Do
you really think it was entirely Raymundo's idea to
bring the family, you included, to
"Gwen, why? Why?"
"Does this place not please you?"
"Of course, it pleases me."
"I know you are a troubled man, one who
seeks peace. Just look out there, Benito," she murmurs as she sweeps her
gaze out to sea, "and drink it in. This gives you some peace?"
I have no idea where the stirrings come from.
She is lovely, soft, and unassuming as she turns her head toward me. I can't
help myself. I lean in to her as she leans into me. Our lips touch tentatively
and then in a rush, I am exploring the recesses of her mouth and she returns it
four-fold. My head reels with our passion and we part, finally, reluctantly.
I gulp in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry,
Gwen. I had no right to do that."
"You did that because I let you and
wanted you to do it. What's wrong with that?"
"I don't know."
"Benito, is it our age difference? Do
you see me as a shriveled up woman, bitter about everything and taking it out
on the world?"
"If I thought that, I would not have
kissed you and you certainly wouldn't have kissed me back. Not that way."
"So, caro mio, what's the problem here? Can't two people feel
something for each other?"
"Ray." It is the only word that I
can get out. God! Why is life so complicated?
"Ray, what?" she persists. She
won't let it go and I'm not entirely sure I want her to, not here, not now.
"Ray,
I-had-better-keep-my-hands-off-his-sister,
no-matter-how-hard-she-comes-after-me-or-he-will-kill-me,
after-he-castrates-me-Ray. Gwen, I
didn't give Francesca any reason to hunt me. I have felt so attacked
every time I come to the house. The only reason, aside from the fantastic meals
you cook, is that despite Francesca's innuendoes and Ray's obvious angry
threats to me if I should cast even a glance in his sister's direction, is that
I really like you."
I'm on a roll here and, despite having that
flippant thought, I realize I need to vocalize something I've felt for better
than two years. "You don't play the games. You are what you are: a loving,
caring woman with a family that has run semi-amok. Good heavens! You comfort
me, too! How many times, when I've stayed over, have you sat down at the
kitchen table, late at night, and plied me with cookies and warm milk... And
then, you listen to me. Really listen."
She gives my arm a squeeze and nods for me to
continue.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I now
see how much she cares, and it definitely is not in a motherly way.
"You have no idea what joy that brings to me. Sometimes I feel my voice is
being drowned out by the cacophony of 'Do this,' 'Do that,' 'What's in it for
me?' and the ever popular 'I don't give a rip about what you want, I want
this!' It's all so exhausting and I often wonder why I bother."
"You bother because you care, even if
they don't, Benito."
I'm perplexed. "So, by that logic, then
you are telling me you care, but I don't appreciate you."
"Care, schmare. You
know that is untrue. I care. You care. It is time we recognized that."
"Gwen, I am so weary. So
lonely. I don't want to burden you with all this," and I heave a
deep sigh in frustration.
"Have you asked yourself what I
feel?"
"Of course! You must have the satisfaction of raising your
children to be successful," I artfully dodge her question.
"And what of finally
burying my husband, the drunk? The one who verbally abused me and the kids. Oh, the names
he would call me! I was worthless; I didn't speak the way a girl of Italian
parents should speak; I didn't make him happy; it was all my
fault. And that was how he acted in front of the kids."
She averts her eyes to look out over the sea
as she recalls it all in mind-numbing horror. With tears in her eyes she turns
back to me. "I've never, ever told anyone this. I guess you know about
pain, Benito. I know I can trust you not to hurt me like Gino did. My mother
never told me that I had a right to stand up for myself. That he had no right
to come home from spending the night drinking... To climb the stairs and enter
our room, him stinking, reeking with alcohol and cigars, demanding my body in
his drunken stupor... Coming to the bed where I lay and hitting me across the
back. On my head, my arms, anywhere he could reach. And that was before he took
off his belt and lashed me, calling me every name he could think of in Italian
and English. Sometimes he used the buckle end and I knew I would have to wash
the bed linen before the kids saw the blood.
"His other torture was to leave me
alone, when I had a night without him hitting me, but it was no better and I
cried myself to sleep because I had no one to talk with. No
one to listen to what he put me through. I thought no one would
understand, let alone believe me. Not the Father, not the kids, no one,
Benito. You think you have a corner on the Lonely Market?"
She is openly crying and I gently wipe my
fingers across her cheeks. I take her in my arms and let her sob against my
chest. I had no idea it was so devastating for her. Eventually her cries quiet
and I stand a bit away from her so I can I kiss her tears away. Kiss away the
hurt. The loneliness.
"What do you need? What can I give
you?"
She looks deep into my eyes and whispers,
"Be my friend. Listen to me and I will listen to you, caro."
"I will," I promise. "At least
as far as Ray will let me."
"Damn Raymundo!!
My son is not your head nor your
heart. Let him solve his own problems. I am sick of him playing 'Lord of the
Manor.' I may be Italian, but this macho image Italian men dandy about is
driving me into the ground. Raymundo is not
my husband, may he not rest in peace. Raymundo
doesn't talk with me. If anything he talks AT me. I'm sick of it. You, Benito,
are a soft-spoken man who knows his mind while still respecting the opinions of
others. Do you understand any of this?"
"Yes, I think I do," I answer.
The sun is sinking and we find ourselves
still standing in the same spot. We haven't needed to speak, for enough has
been said. The only thing that is important is that we hold and draw strength
from each other. Eventually she gives a slight shiver in response to the cooler
breeze. I look at my watch.
"When is the last boat back to
With a start, she looks around frantically.
"My god, we'll never get back to the dock in time. Raymundo
will be beside himself!"
"Gwen, I seriously doubt that. After
all, I am a Mountie, and Ray will know I will take care of you,"
I grin tenderly at her.
It is quickly decided to walk back to a
B&B, or pensione as it's called in
I really don't know how it happened. Or,
maybe I don't want to know. A delicious meal, candlelight, soft
Mediterranean breezes, much honest and uninterrupted talk as we discover each
other, reach agreement, and find a single room at a pensione
several blocks off the main plaza. She giggles from the bathroom and complains
she has no night clothes, let alone a toothbrush. It's hot and I simply strip
off my shirt and jeans and stretch out on the bed. This is novel, very
novel, I think to myself, as I idly wonder how Ray
would react if he ever found out.
The thought is quickly banished as Gwen comes
out of the bathroom and wears only her slip. Her hair cascades across her
shoulders like a dark shadow and her face is all lovely angular planes in the
moonlight. It's been much too long and my body seems to have a will of its own.
"Well, now. Are you glad to see me or is
that a ruler you have in your shorts?"
"Huh?" I'm somewhat embarrassed by
my rapid response. I have no answer for this and sit up to hold out my arms to
her. She slides into them and pushes me back down onto the bed. I feel her
groping into the opening of my boxers and she pulls me out.
"Benito! Where have you been hiding this big thing?"
I quickly deflate. More
limp than a dishrag, and she senses something is wrong.
"Gwen, where did you learn these
words?"
"What's wrong with them? My parents
never told me anything about the birds and the bees. It was Gino who said
them."
"And what was his word for intercourse?"
"Mattress mambo or fu---"
"--Gwen, the term is fornication if both
parties are unmarried, adultery if one or both is married to someone else. If
they are married to each other, then it can be called an act of procreation, as
long as both parties consent. Nothing more or less.
How did he speak of a woman's body?"
"He always called me a whore who would
put out for anybody. I never did, but he didn't believe me."
I am a bit taken aback and then realize her
husband must have accused her of what he was doing; a typical
blame and guilt shift, all the more to control her.
I pull my boxers off and gently remove her
slip. "I think you need a lesson in anatomy, Gwen. How did you feel when
he referred to you this way?"
She thinks for a moment and then blurts,
"Dirty. Worthless."
I smile at her through the darkness and place
her hand again on me. "The name for this is 'penis'. Can you say
that?"
"Penis. Penis, penis, penis. Yes, I
can say it, but it's still your co--"
"--I ask again, how did you
feel, what did you feel, when Gino used those words?"
She whispers in a small voice,
"Dirty."
"Can you say 'penis' and really mean
it?"
"Penis."
"And these are testicles."
"Testicles."
"Now hold that thought and them
too," for I was beginning to respond to her touch again, "while I explain the female anatomy. These are the nipples of
your breasts."
I know I have her full attention, for she
moans softly. I trace a finger past her navel downward. "This is the
entrance to your vagina. Here are the outer labia or lips with the sensitive
clitoris nestled within and the inner labia."
She is writhing on the bed but I press on.
"If I insert my finger, I find the knob of your cervix and the G spot.
This is sensitive also, isn't it?"
"Please, Benito!!" she begs but I
am not finished yet.
"Please keep holding my testicles and
penis. There is a correct name for the liquid that I am leaking. What do you
call it?"
"I'm not sure."
"No, it's name
is not 'I'm-not-sure,' but rather pre-ejaculate. It is a small volume of seminal
fluid and sperm from my seminal vesicle and prostate gland that is being
squeezed out due to my erection. The rest will be emptied when I ejaculate
fully."
"I thought that's a hard-on."
"Say 'erection'," I direct, as I
move my finger.
"E... God!... rection."
I withdraw my finger and notice the old scars
and welts over her body that glimmer faintly in the moonlight. I lightly trace
each and every one of them with my tongue, trying to kiss away her hurt, erase
the scars.
Gwen is lightly pulling on my penis to arouse
me further. She stops when she hears me mumble, "Bastard."
"What, Benito?"
"I fail to understand how your husband
could treat you that way. It was he who had the dirty mind, not you,
Gwen. You are beautiful. Let me worship your body in all its glory."
I take her in my mouth and rouse her as she
has never been treated before, exquisite mind and body numbing sex until she
has been fully satisfied and I am totally spent as well. As I lie atop her with
sweat dripping down, she sweetly whispers to me.
"We mustn't tell Raymundo."
End.